OK, so you’re about to write your first letter to a new inmate pen pal. Getting started can be a mix of anxiety-inducing emotions, from excitement to uncertainty. Here are some considerations and tips to guide you through this process.
It’s essential to recognize that your pen pal is in a unique and challenging situation. When writing your first letter, approach it with empathy and respect. Acknowledge the circumstances without being judgmental. Show understanding for the challenges they may be facing and express your desire to establish a meaningful connection based on mutual respect. Don’t talk down to them or ask something like, “How could you have been so stupid?” There will be plenty of time for honest questions and self-reflection down the road; the first letter should be more of a basic introduction.
Begin your letter by introducing yourself. Share some details about your life, such as your interests, hobbies, and aspirations. This can help your pen pal get to know you better and find common ground for meaningful conversations. Avoid sharing overly personal or sensitive information in the first letter, as trust and rapport need time to develop. Also, avoid hinting that your pen pal is “lucky” that he or she doesn’t have the life problems you have. We’ve heard from multiple inmates that their number one pet peeve is having a stranger writing them things like: “at least you don’t have to worry about bills,” or “at least you get your laundry done for you,” or “you’re actually lucky that someone cooks for you every day.”
Look for common interests or experiences that you and your pen pal may share. Whether it’s a love for literature, a passion for fitness, or an interest in a particular hobby, finding common ground can help establish a connection and provide a starting point for ongoing conversations. Shared interests can bridge the gap and create a sense of familiarity. PenPals.Buzz provides a great search functionality, so you can narrow down your prospective pen pals by common interests. Find someone that shares your religion. Find someone who lives in an area that you’re familiar with. Look for someone with similar hobbies, or who likes the same music or TV shows. This makes the first letter so much easier to write.
In a challenging environment, offering support and positivity can make a significant difference to a prisoner. Your words can provide encouragement and hope. However, it’s crucial to be genuine and sincere in offering support. Avoid making promises you can’t keep and be mindful of the limitations of your communication.
Encourage meaningful conversations by asking open-ended questions that invite your pen pal to share their thoughts and experiences. This can help foster a sense of connection and show that you are genuinely interested in getting to know them. Consider asking about their favorite books, hobbies, or how they spend their time. Avoid yes/no questions. Also, we suggest you avoid bringing religion into your first letter, unless the pen pal clearly stated in his or her profile that he is religious and likes to discuss religion. Too many times, inmates feel like someone writing to them is only trying to convert them, and to inmates this can feel especially manipulative. Tread lightly here.
While it’s natural to be curious about your pen pal’s story and the circumstances that led them to where they are, it’s essential to respect their boundaries. Avoid prying into sensitive details or asking intrusive questions. Let the relationship unfold naturally, allowing your pen pal to share at their own pace, if they choose to do so. In time, the more comfortable they feel with you, the more they will share. In fact, pen pals tend to share 50% more with each other than they do with even their closest friends and family members. The fact that you two have never met in person makes it easier to really open up to that person. There’s less fear of judgment. Just make sure you don’t rush the process.
Let’s face it — writing to a prison inmate isn’t something that most of us do regularly. It can be intimidating, perhaps even a bit scary. Others might judge you for it, even. But let’s compare it to online dating. Remember back in the 90s, when if you met someone online, people would warn you, “be careful, there are a lot of weirdos that use the internet?” Nowadays, it’s almost weird if a couple didn’t meet each other online. Having a prison pen pal is a pretty amazing opportunity. It’s a chance to make a friend that you would have never made in real life. It’s a chance to learn from someone with an entirely different background. It’s an opportunity to share things that you aren’t able to share with others in your life (perhaps not even your significant other). Don’t stress too much about what to write or what not to write. Instead, just keep the guidelines above in mind when you sit down with your pen and paper. Do you want to ask them if they’ve accepted Jesus Christ as their savior? Maybe that would be better for the third or fourth letter, not the first. Do you want to “shout” at them in all capital letters for the stupid crime they committed? If so, you may want to re-think. And by all means, don’t explain in your letter why they are, in fact, luckier than you, because they don’t have to do laundry. Aside from that, just be yourself. Certain pen pals will have better chemistry together than others, but there are positive benefits that can arise from every new connection made in this world.
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