by Luis Paz
Listen to our interview with Luis Paz on a recent podcast. His segment starts at 18:40.
Supporting someone you just met in prison can be challenging. Let’s get one thing straight—being in prison is a mental battle. It’s not just about surviving day to day but also about learning about yourself and how to keep your mind sharp and focused. When you begin to write someone in prison, the first thing that comes to mind is, “How can I help them with their time?” You can’t just throw pity their way regarding your time and theirs. That doesn’t do anything, neither for you nor for them. Sympathy alone isn’t enough; they need real support. But what is support, exactly? Here are ways to lend a hand and avoid getting taken advantage of by a prisoner:
1. Mindset Is Everything
Prison isn’t just about locking someone up physically; it’s designed to break them mentally. That’s the real game of the government. The system wants your friends and loved ones weak; they want them lost in their own heads, questioning themselves and making them feel like there’s no way out. But if you’re reaching out to someone inside, it is because you care and want to help. Your job shouldn’t be to baby them, nor should it be to offer pity. Instead, work on becoming the perfect pen pal — that extra hand or voice in their world. Push them to realize their situation is just a moment in time — temporary. It doesn’t define who they are. But their mindset? That’s what will shape their future. If they let negativity creep in and let self-doubt take over, they’re already finished.
Don’t let them get comfortable in that space. You should challenge them every single day. Tell them to focus on how they’re gonna come out of their situation stronger and smarter than before. They need to be thinking about dominating life when they walk out of those gates. Hit them with the truth: “Your mind is your weapon. Stay sharp. Stay strong. You let it slip, you lose. You keep it sharp, and you win.” It’s as simple as that.
2. Be Real — No Sugarcoating
Forget the soft words and warm hugs — that’s not what people in prison need. They need real talk, straight-up truth. They are surrounded by criminals day in and day out. What they need if they’re sitting there feeling sorry for themselves, drowning in self-pity, or even thinking about crashing out (a term used in prison for hitting rock bottom) is you, so you can’t sit back and let that slide. You’re not doing them any favors by sugarcoating things. They need someone who’s gonna hold them accountable, not coddle them.
Yeah, they’re in a tough spot, no question. But here’s the thing — tough spots build tough people. This is not the time or the place to cry about their mistakes. However, it is time to start planning for a better future. Especially if this future has you in it. Your pen pal has to stop wasting their energy on what’s wrong and start thinking about how they will come out of this stronger. You gotta be that voice that cuts through the noise and tells them to focus on what matters.
Say this: “You’re in control of your mind, and that’s all that matters. Everything else is noise.” The only thing that counts is how you handle your thoughts and use that power to move forward. Everything else is irrelevant.
3. Send Them Knowledge — Not Just Love Letters
Want to truly help someone in prison? Stop sending love letters about how much you miss them—that does nothing. Yes, it’s cute and very lovely to do it once you have an established relationship, but if you want to show them real love, give them the tools (like books) to sharpen their mind so that when they walk out, they’re ready to dominate.
Send them knowledge that’ll change how they think and push them toward greatness. Show them how much you really care for them by building them up. Send them the kind of information that’s going to make them stronger when they get out: business books, mindset books, fitness books, or anything that upgrades their mind and body. They need to use their time to grow, not to sit around and think about love or family. Every second inside should be a step toward leveling up.
4. Push Them to Set Goals — No Excuses
Goals are the foundation of progress, plain and simple. In prison, every single day needs to be a day to have a purpose. No excuses. Whether it’s learning a new skill, getting shredded, or planning your next move, each day should count. They either spend their time leveling up or wasting it. Say it like this: “Don’t waste this time. Every day, set a goal. Every day, make progress. If you’re not building yourself up, you’re already losing.” Make sure to ask them about their goals and how they plan to accomplish them. Ask about the process if possible. Find out what’s blocking them from reaching the goal.
5. Keep It Real
Listen, too many people are out here babying prisoners, treating them like victims. They are scared to tell them the truth, but that’s not how you help someone. Life is hard, and prison is even harder. It doesn’t cost a thing to be real. If you don’t want to be in a serious relationship with them, then let them know. If you don’t like how things are going, talk. If you want to have fun and be in an open relationship, then communicate just that.
Want to truly support someone in prison? Then, be real with them. Tell them the unfiltered truth about what’s waiting for them outside those walls. The world isn’t going to feel sorry for them; it doesn’t work that way. So, you should stop feeling sorry for them, too. They better get prepared because no one’s coming to save them. Be real and help them prepare for everything.
6. Help Them Create a Plan for When They Get Out
Everyone in prison needs a plan. No exceptions. If you’re in touch with someone inside, your mission is to help them figure out their next moves once they get out. Whether it’s starting a business, landing a job, or building a whole new life, they need a solid game plan. The world moves fast, and snail mail is slow. If they’re not ready, they’ll get left behind. You’ve got to be the one to help them strategize so they can hit the ground running when they walk out that door. Tell them straight: “Don’t wait for freedom to make plans. Let’s start now. The world isn’t going to wait for you, but I am. So, let’s prepare ourselves for what we want to have.” This is their shot to prepare, and it starts right now. No excuses, just actions.
7. Cut the Negativity — It’s a Weakness
Negativity is a disease, and prison is a breeding ground for it. You cannot let your loved one or pen pal sink into that toxic mindset. They need to keep their circle tight and filled with positive influences. The people they hang out with inside can either drag them down or elevate them—there’s no in-between.
“Negativity is a disease, and prison is a breeding ground for it.”
Luis Paz
Encourage them to be selective about who they let into their lives. They should cut out the negativity and surround themselves with individuals pushing them to be better, grow stronger, and rise above their circumstances.
So hit them with this truth: “You’re the average of the people around you. Choose wisely.” This isn’t just about friendship; it’s about survival and success.
8. Physical Fitness Equals Mental Toughness
Prison is brutal on the body — no one’s denying that. But guess what? That’s no excuse. If they have the chance to work out, they should be hitting it hard every single day. Physical fitness is directly linked to mental toughness. If they want to keep their mind sharp, they better keep their body strong — no excuses, no days off.
Push them to maintain their health. They should aim to come out in better shape than when they went in. Join a gym and let them see your transformation. Talk about workout routines that work for you and ask what works for them. Weak bodies make weak minds. Help them stay strong. It’s about more than just muscles; it’s about building the resilience to take on whatever life throws at them. It’s discipline, self-control, and resilience.
Supporting someone in prison is about giving them the tools they need to stay strong, mentally and physically. It’s about pushing them to keep growing, improving, and staying focused on their future. You’ve got to be that voice in their head, whether through paper, email, phone calls, or visits, that reminds them they’re stronger than their situation. You will be the reason they come out prepared to take on the world if they can keep their mindset sharp, set goals, and focus on self-improvement.
About the author: Luis Paz is a lifetime member of PenPals.Buzz. He’s incarcerated in Tennessee, and enjoys journaling, reflecting on life, and pushing himself forward. Write to him at: Luis Paz #526750, Hardeman County Correctional Facility, 2520 Union Springs Road, Whiteville, TN 38075. Learn more about Luis.
